Confessions of a Duck

Everything I read about the stages you go through in the adoption process should reassure me that my feelings are indeed "normal".   Boundless accounts of moms and dads who have already traveled the long road ahead of us, and survived,  should lift my spirits.  My faith that we are on our path and the knowledge that these feelings are only temporary should assuage my fears.  Most days, all of these helps "get in" and reach me and comfort me.

Today, I am just so very sad.  I am so sad that our baby girl doesn't yet know how wanted she is. I am devastated that her birth mother suffers along with me, faced with the unbearable reality of losing her child.  I am heartbroken that there are so many days and months that stand between our girl and her knowing the love we all have for her.

Today, I am afraid.  I am terrified that I won't be able to reach her, connect with her the way I want to and hope to.  I am scared that I won't be enough, that I won't be able to adequately process all that will come.  Today feels impossible. 

Today is so hard.

I don't always lose perspective.  In fact, my nearest and dearest have described me as "annoyingly optimistic".  Some days, and I will go as far as saying most days, gratitude wins.  Hope reigns supreme. Silver linings abound.... you get the point.  Days like today teach me not to take that for granted.  There are so many parents with harder stories, darker hours and true grief.  I mourn with them.  I pray they be comforted and consoled.   

Still today, I accept these feelings that are here as mine to hold......for today.  I know some days for our daughter-to-be must be harder. For us, and for our precious one, I know intellectually that tomorrow is not far away.  But today, it feels like an eternity.

I pray God will give me patience.  resilience.  faith.  trust.  hope.  endurance.  tenacity. acceptance.

My dear mom always reminds us that during trials, we need to remember the duck (yes, she actually says that).  A duck is the master of flapping its' wings wildly and then quietly swimming away.  Today, I'm flapping. I'm angry. I'm splashing.  Why does it have to be so flipping complicated?  Why can't we just cut through all of the red tape and get to loving her?  Why can't we just get on a plane and get this all going?  Because we can't.  And it isn't fair.  Yet, it still is.  

Today is about flapping.  

Hoping tomorrow there is more swimming.  Fingers (wings) crossed, kneeling.